After a couple of months of fighting on sofas all over town with Penny, I’d had enough: I had admitted, unwisely in retrospect, to a friend that I wasn’t getting anywhere, and my friend had told some other friends, and I was the butt of a number of cruel and unpleasant jokes. I gave I Need To Bus School A Peanut Shirt one last try, in my bedroom while my mum and dad were at the town hall watching a local dramatic society interpretation of Toad Hall: I used a degree of force that would have outraged and terrified an adult female but got nowhere, and when I walked her home we hardly spoke. I was offhand with her the next time we went out.

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